We moved from do not stop to lockdown, from talking to silent, from fear, to patriotism and again, talking and talking. There was talk of fake news, conspiracies, hand sanitizers, and toilet paper. In short, we have spoken. A lot. Has days go by I realized I talk a lot as well. I speak to myself, I analyze what is going on, what happened and I think about what’s next. Honestly, the next step doesn’t get me anxious that much. I guess because I have learned to do not blame a weird star for what is or isn’t going on in life. The thing I am wondering about the most is why we dream so much in this odd moment. Cynical would say it’s because of all the pizzas and cakes we are baking; naysayers would say it’s because of our body fighting against stillness throughout our unconscious; dulls would say that we always dream, but most of the times, we don’t remember doing so.
I don’t know why I am dreaming so much, but I am thinking about it quite a lot.
Unconsciously, I am analyzing every chapter of my whole life so far. It’s not a lawsuit, I am not looking for guilts and victims, I am just watching a movie. Maybe, more than a movie is a series. One of those series, so good that authors are always looking for new tips to put together the next season. Whatever it is, I am watching it.
In my everyday life, I would have never done it in this way. I would have fit that memory or flashback in between an e-mail and a phone call, a meeting and the gym, a drink, and an interview. Maybe it’s boredom, maybe it’s because we all have space right now, however, I am devoting time to this movie.
I am not planning when I’ll press play or pause. It runs itself at its leisure.
I look back to that time when I took the right decision, but also when I selected the complicated option. What a fool stubborn I have been. I replay the head-on crashes when I pushed too much on the throttle, as well as that time we were bowled over by events, but we rolled into that avalanche so well. Everyone has his own cut, mine is packed and made by people and feelings. I believe that they keep the story on in my plot, in a tangled dialogue with consequences and reactions. It’s weird that in such a moment where people are distancing each other, we realize how much they handle the reins of the game. Automatically, there are those introspective frames, where the director is engaging the camera closer and closer towards the subject on the scene, gently pushing the viewer to look inside him. In those moments of the footage, I ponder my temper. Everyone has it’s own, there is little to do about it. It sounds so banal to say, but it is one of this easy thing that turned out so complex to be accepted in reality. What you are, what you became, everything leads the narrative pace to pursue or flatten the plot. Without judging, I am noticing how much my attitude has always been such a part of mine. It’s sarcastically ironic. When the camera closes up on the eyes, I try to look inside to understand if I was able to see what I am noticing right now. At that moment I remember I have to buy my contacts, but my optician is closed and my glasses give me a headache after a while.
Ok then, back to reality.
Let’s find a drawer to set up, a book to read, or a face mask to try while I am selecting today’s online yoga session. I indulge over my space and I realize how lucky I am to live in a flat with so many big windows. For the record, they are a nightmare to clean, but at least I can see meters of the sky from my sofa. Such luck, especially during this quarantine. When I darken them at night, the next day I realize that the retrospective movie – series of my life went ahead, enriched by dreamy and surreal details, such as unexpected people that shown
up in a dream. I don’t know exactly for whichever reason, but I try to keep them in my mind while I am drinking my coffee.
Life wise, the promise I make to myself is to keep this attitude and bring it outside with me when the lockdown will be over. It seems to be like a good series you can’t detach from, but it’s a dream, yet to be recalled the day after indeed.
They say the world will be better after this. They say that nature is taking back its own space. They say that we will hug each other again and that everything is gonna be alright.
I want to believe, as well as I want to keep on dreaming now and, even more, when we’ll be back together in this crazy world.